Lasting Loves Keeps You Connected

7 Important Things Researchers Know About Lasting Love

If half of all marriages end in divorce, you may wonder if love lasts a lifetime can be accomplished.

A recent study found that a surprising number of people are still very much in love with their partners after 20 years of marriage. In fact, brain scans of people in happy long-term relationships show the same activation in areas associated with reward, motivation and “wanting” as those experiencing new love. Even better, long-term romantic love (unlike new love) stimulates regions of the brain that diminish anxiety and pain. This suggests that well-worn romantic love offers a unique combination of benefits: happiness—plus a sense of calmness.

Here’s how strive for long-lasting love.

Here’s what science tells us are the secrets to living happily ever after:

Be Five Times Nicer Than You Are Negative

For every unhappy exchange, we need at least five happy ones to nourish love, says relationship expert John Gottman, Ph.D. According to his research, relationships are stable and happy when the ratio of positive to negative interactions is at least 5:1. Notice that this so-called “Magic Ratio” does allow for negative interactions, which Gottman says are necessary for partners to move past conflict.

Do Your Share of the Household Chores – Be a partner

Sharing household chores is surprisingly important for a successful marriage—the only factors that ranked higher in Pew Research Center surveys from both 2007 and 1990 were fidelity and a happy sexual relationship. That said, even among couples that do split the workload, chores tend to fall to one partner more than the other (in heterosexual relationships, usually the woman). If you’re the lazy bones at home, simply saying “thank you” can help to limit your partner’s resentment and ensure their relationship satisfaction, according to research from Arizona State University.

Watch Your Words

Most of us know that communication is key to a successful relationship—even if we’re not so good at it. One way : Use more “couple-focused” pronouns, like “we,” “our” and “us” when you’re having a conflict with your significant other. Avoid using ” you”. One study published in the journal Psychology and Aging found that these words helped partners get through disagreements with more affection, less anger and lower stress, while pronouns like “I,” “you” and “me” increased marital dissatisfaction.

Go On an Adventure – Be spontaneous

If your routine feels more like a rut—the same old restaurants, the same old TV shows—it’s time to mix things up and have some fun. Couples that play together stay together, according to Stony Brook University researcher Arthur Aron, Ph.D. His studies show that participating in new and exciting activities as a couple increases relationship quality. That’s because being able to experience what he calls “self-expansion” alongside your partner makes the relationship more fulfilling and helps to stave off the boredom and staleness that contribute to so many breakups. So the next time you’re about to go to the movies for the hundredth time, why not opt for some live music or a stroll around an unfamiliar neighborhood instead?

Be Intersted and Interesting

Keep breathing life into your relationship.  Connection is about being there for each other and experiencing things together. Don’t strive to be an island with just the two of you. Sometimes too much togetherness can actually be harmful because it puts too much of a burden on the relationship, says Stephanie Coontz, a professor of history and family studies at Evergreen State College and author of Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage. The takeaway: Pursuing friendships, support and interests outside your the two of you will actually help keep you together.

Pay Attention to The Details!

Start paying more attention to things that matter to your partner: things they enjoy, how they need time at the end of the day to decompress, the names of their colleagues and cousins, food preferences, for example. Partners that remember these types of details about each other tend to be highly satisfied in their relationships, according to a 2013 study in the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy.

Lasting love can happen as you continue to keep the connection and bond strong in your relationship.